such joy... to go out photographing. sun is shining, clear blue sky..
but not knowing where to go, no idea what to take pictures of, feeling kinda uninspired lately.
driving to same old places, not expecting to find anything to snap, cause you think you've seen it all

but suddenly...
you stop the car, see something a fence with some plastic band hangning on it, moved by the wind and shone on by the sun. that caught my attention and i thougt, well try it. and wham! what great photos i got. and what a great feeling it is, to snap pictures of things you've seen before but never considered photographing.
and further i went and discovered that metal chain, sone on by the sun.
and i guess, now i'm infected with fence addiction ^_^

and that great feeling you get driving home knowing the driving around was worth it, having great pictures on the card, wanting to protect it, cause you fear something might happen to it, before you reach safe home and have them uploaded onto your pc.
and the first thing you do is to start your computer and upload the pics and nervously waiting till they're finally all in the folder

alas

photographing is quite exciting.

but only when you really found something.
when you come home "empty" or with bad useless pictures it's quite annoying.
and the latter happens more than the first.

note to self

-learn how to play piano
-travel a lot
-learn how to play bongos
-draw a lot
-doing yoga course

i could write soo much down.

i'm really bothered by a lot of things currently.

i think unconsciously it's his parents that really annoy me. living over themis really stressful, even though i don't often see them, but i hear them all the time, and i hate their yelling voices, she is always screaming at him, maybe she's even talking normally to him, but her voice is always creaming and yelling and is getting on my fucking nerves !!!

i feel kinda stoopid

and i realized i still need the therapy.

and want to draw !

with india ink ! i've been painting two pics with india ink last art therapy. they weren't really good, was the firsat time i used india ink with brushes. but i love it ! the colors are so intense.

i used to draw a lot with india ink, but not with a brush but with a pen.

now that's what i would love to do right now.
but all my things are still packed up in boxes. so i don't know where i put it.
think i will buy some new stuff next week.

art therapy has really started my lust for doing some art again.
but all i did since i'm doing art therapy is photographing.
but the will is there.
i guess is just a bit complicated because of the way we are living here right now
no space, just not enough space.

my"relationship"isso fucking dead

it bothersme moreand more each day.
because i don't know what to do
if i leavehim,i havenothing, that's the sad truth.
i'm still too dependent on him

and well,lifewillbe harder, much more harder
with the little money i have
this has been goingon in my mind for quite somemonths now,but lately it get'S worseandworse

he stopped caring long ago0
and it took me a long time to see that imademyselfa foolin trying to get some lovefromhim,some caress,or just the feeling that he caresabout me. now lately i was ableto just stop talking,justsayingnothing... and guess what? he seems tolikeit! you would suggest he would ask "what's up? why are you soquiet?" but he just joined in my silence

thinki willquittherapy now.

we talked about her weird acting that one last time.
but it all feelsakward. idunno
it makes mefeel more weirdthan it would helpme

my space key is broken.

idont really need that anymore.
dontknow what totalktoheranymore
todaysheletmedrawapicof some fairy tale.
it was so akward.
ijust didn'T likeit

strange dog

this night driving home from work.

in the dark there sits a dog on the street. i drive towards him slowly.
but it didn't go away
i drove slower and it looked right into my headlights
still sitting on the street
not moving an inch !
i had to stop and drove around him, cause it was till sitting there
not moving at all !

driving on and looking back in the mirror i saw his black silhouette still sitting on the dark street

what a strange dog !

he was looking so sad

and it touched me...

i had seen this dog before

walking on the same street all by himself

did he lost his way?

my boyfriend said some people living here let their dogs go for a walk by themselves.

i don't believe it !

someone must miss him

poor dog!

you won't believe me, how much it touched me!
i got so saddened by it.


also today i saw a poor pigeon sitting on the side of a house on a sidewalk.
obviously it couldn't fly anymore.

i had to stop myself thinking of it when i walked by it, because it saddened me so much :(

i don't know why things like these touch me soo much.

i'm so emotional...

oh goodness

new co-worker , he's so ... tender.
so handsome, and such a lovely voice
i instantly felt touched by him deep inside.
he'S got gorgous eyes and when i heard his voice... a little quiet and rough
his parfume... my nose was sucking in as much as it could

i got a feeling he's more the shy guy, and i really hope he is. everything else just wouldn't fit to his whole appearance.

i have a boyfriend, but i can dream, can't i? :D

i feel very attracted to him.
is it also because i know deep inside that my boyfriend isn't THE one ?

it's working and everything but it isn't the big love

small steps forward

doing an internship at a photostudio this week !
the people are nice, though it's rather boring, but i knew it would be.

it felt so good to have gotten along so well with everybody there on only the very first day.
i never ever managed to do that before !
it always took me weeks and months and ...

i was really happy and content with myself and the way i coped with people there.
very unusual for me.
i didn't feel like i had embarressed myself in any way by saying something stupid or by stuttering or by blushing ( i haven't blushed since ... months :)

in fact, it was this guy, a handsome one, who at first gave me the feeling that it would be hard to talk to him and i feared i would act and speak stupidly to him, because he's attractive and that always made me nervous before.
but actually there was a situation were i clearly felt that HE seemed to be some kind of "nervous" or at least stuttering and giving me the impression that he didn't feel completely relaxed while talking to me, because he misspoke in a very funny way at one point.
we talked about photography (of course) and what kind of photos would be best for an application and he said in german: "wenn ich dich wäre..." instead of "wenn ich du wäre..." and he doesn't have a foreign background.
this is the kind of misspeaking i did before when i felt nervous talking to someone new, but this time it didn't happen to me but to my opposite !

this small situation gave me a new view on things !

and i could easily talk to him and everybody else and looking everyone clearly in their eyes while listening and talking to them.


alas, i think this is the first time since forever probably that i gave a satisfying first impression of myself. not an akward one that made me hate myself when i was alone.

great !